Building Trust in Yourself: Creating Inner Dialogue to Support the Self

 

Can you trust yourself?

This phrase has been ringing in my head for the last few weeks. Every now and again, I read something that resonates with me at the exact moment I need it. When I was in my 20’s I read Stephen Covey’s, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and the way he articulated ‘integrity’. Prior to that, I always valued my honesty, but how honest can you really be if you’re not following through on the things you say you’re going to do? That’s just a lie in sheep’s clothing.

At the end of my 20’s, I was working a job that I hated with a boss who berated all of his employees for the fun of it. Then I read Einstein’s quote, ‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’ It made me appreciate the things I did have to offer, and also to stop listening to my boss.

And a few weeks ago I was reading Deborah Adele’s The Yamas & Niyamas and in her chapter on satya (truth), she describes how we tell ourselves lies all the time. We lie to ourselves about how much time we have, what our capacity for helping can be, what we are going to do for ourselves (go to yoga, meditate, eat better, etc.), and then she asks, ‘Can you trust yourself?’

Well, shit. If she were an evangelist passing the plate, in that moment she would have had all my money.

I started thinking about all the ways I lie to myself and let me tell you, the list had some heft to it. Much like weight, small indulgences compound to bigger issues over time and leave the person feeling as though goals are frivolous. Some of the items were small, like not leaving dirty dishes in the sink. While other goals were things I have been struggling with for some time, like running.

And so, I started to look at myself to see what small changes I could make.

First, I began to take notice of the little things that were out of place. Instead of leaving them there, I would make more of an effort to put things back after I used them and remember to, for example, grab the magazine and throw it in the recycling bin when I was going into the kitchen. Now, my house is by no means the pillar of cleanliness, but more often, I am coming into places that have not been tarnished by my last visit.

Second, I started emptying the clean dishwasher regularly. We never really had a problem putting dishes in it when it was empty, but putting the dishes away was always a much avoided chore. Now, my kitchen stays tidier.

Third, I bought a robotic vacuum. I have a dog, who I love, but he sheds and quickly after vacuuming do the tumbleweeds-o-fur creep out. Its very challenging to work from home and feel as though you need to be sweeping all the time. I figure, with the time saved between distraction and effort, the little robot guy will pay for himself in no time (even if my dog hates the thing).

Finally, I started swimming. I have been trying to create a cardio routine for years. Being a yoga instructor, I get a lot of strength and stretch, but very little cardio. I’ve tried different activities like Zumba or cycling, but they’re not my bag either.  I have never really taken to running, even if I admire those who do it. It always seems like something I would enjoy, but I physically feel terrible after running. I love to walk, but the type of walking I would like to do, still takes a lot of time and planning. I needed something that would truly let me checkout. And it dawned on me, I love to swim, always have. Its relaxing, rewarding and doesn’t make my body hurt in all sorts of ways. I found a suit I could do laps in and began getting up early to go to the local pool. I love it. And after a few days, I figured out there were other things taking me away from running, walking and cycling…I don’t like all the distractions. The tvs, loud music, the people milling around. I like the quiet of the water and how the only technology in the room is the clock. I can just move through the water focusing on my form and my breath and get lost in the quiet.

So am I really telling you by doing the dishes, you can strengthen your yoga practice? Yes! The yoga lifestyle is meant to be lead outside of the studio. When you practice activities that require presence and then you begin actively reminding yourself to notice when the action is missed-that is precisely what your teacher keeps trying to get you to do every time they ask you to ‘check-in’. Practicing the theory isn’t limiting you to your asana practice, but by how you take your practice out into the world and also how you treat yourself.

So now Im going to ask you:

• Can you trust yourself?
• What kind of lies are you telling yourself each day? Big or small, begin to make a list of what you’re working to avoid.
• Next, ask yourself to pick the smallest and most task oriented lie. Something you can take action on quickly. Just like with compound weight gain or money accumulation, its best to start with the most tangible. Every day, make the effort. Give yourself a week to commit to this goal. You just have to do the one thing each day.
• After your week (maybe two), with the success of the first task, you may have already been thinking about what you could easily add to this. Go with what’s easy. Allow the energy to build in these small steps.
• Keep asking if you can trust yourself. Observe whats keeping you from saying yes. Respond, without negative commentary. Allow the answers to provide new insight on what is getting in the way of your yes.

The reward is your success and consistency. Eventually, you will begin to crave the reward of completion.

Pounding yourself into submission: Yoga and Pain

Let me lay out a generic setting for you. Something that has played out many times in my few years of teaching.

I’m out with my husband and we come across some people he knows from [pick a place]. I have never met these people before and after the formal introductions, they ask me what I do for a living. With trepidation, I tell them Im a yoga instructor. Almost immediately, Im informed at how they cant do yoga, they tried the P90X version and were sore for a week or they went to a class once and everything they did hurt. I stand there and politely nod as they tell me their yoga woes. I don’t counter with some sort of sales-pitch, I don’t rattle off statistics or wellness magazine quotes. I just let them say their peace and we move on to the next topic.

In these scenarios, I know the individual isnt trying to talk me out of my profession or insult me in any way. I have always felt as though this was their way of trying to relate to me and Im fine with that. I honestly appreciate the effort, but the by-product is there often is a theme to their dialogue and the theme is: PAIN.

PAIN IS A SIGN THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG!Yoganand Michael Carroll once said (and Im paraphrasing), ‘a pain-free yoga practice will develop infinitely faster than a practice with [any] pain.’ He said this because the first rule of yoga is ‘non-violence’ (Ahimsa). But also because pain is a sign that something is wrong. I repeat:

In the epidemic of being busy, trying to diet (see Radiance’s Odyssey article) and creating an illusion of having ourselves together when really most of us are hanging on as best we can-our society has lost patience for our own bodies and the messages they are sending. If it hurts, it will go away; if we’re sick, we’ll move on despite it; and if it breaks, we’ll get a new one (even if it’s a body part!). But over time, without proper attention, the pain comes back more often, the sickness doesn’t shake and the body part…well, to replace it comes at a price of both time and money-not something everyone has in excess.

I like to think I regularly tell my students that pain is bad and I’ve had many students tell me they appreciate a pain-free message. So when Im standing in front of a room of students and there is a person trying to cram their body into position after position, I cant help but to scratch my head and wonder why they are spending their money to connect with a body they believe they should have, trying to make their body do something they think it should do, as opposed to honoring their true container. I want to stop the class and pull the student aside and tell them, ‘that puzzle piece doesn’t fit, stop pounding it into the board!’

Somewhere this student and the acquaintances from earlier were all were introduced to yoga with, ‘its wonderful, challenging and makes the body feel amazing,’ but they are deeply engrained with society’s message of: ‘challenge is hard and equals pain, but the pain will eventually feel good or go away, I promise’. This message has delivered so many times before to keep this idea alive! Colds wear off, cuts heal, hunger goes away at lunch time. And so they are all waiting for this promise to deliver, all the while going balls-to-the-wall. Because you’re not successful until you’re falling with exhaustion or pain. Gee, that sounds awful.

So I offer you this for the next class, workout or practice you are a part of:

1. What if you practiced stopping right before you get into your fullest expression of the posture?
2. Can you seek out the little whispers of pain and treat them with as much consideration as you would full-blown pain?
3. Can you treat your body with the same amount of kindness and consideration you would request of a doctor or surgeon?

Try these three things in your next few practices and observe how the body responds. Allow yourself a little time to create these awarenesses and then carry them out into your day. Can you carry yourself without pounding your body into position?

Let me know how it goes.